"When they first brought us here, they extracted what was in us and stored the information, remixed it like so much paint, and gave us back new memories of their choosing. But they still needed an artist to help them. I understood the human mind better than they ever could, so they allowed me to keep my skills as a scientist... because they needed them. They made me delete everything else. Can you imagine what it's like to erase your own past?" 
 — Dr. Schreber, Dark City

Velcro awakes to the noise of Cyrgan flicking through Vidfeed channels, searching for a newsline. Buy this... Upgrade now...
Velcro: "Do you have to play that damn thing?"

Archive material: Several pictures of Morgan on Mars, some vidstream even Morgan on official promotion dates and so on. 

Cyrgan: "He is usually accompanied by a woman; identifiable by her mannerisms. Always the same person, different bodies. Sometimes she is his bodyguard, sometimes his entourage. The same body language as Kitty. Seems Mr Morgan fancied the furries for some time before Kitty met us. So he just rebuilds and rewrites her, on and on. He can do that... an expert in his field as he is. Now... Katha."

Cyrgan was sleeping it off, leaving Katha2 and myself alone together to figure things out. Not an easy scene. 

Katha, like Cyrgan, is a cyborg; except unlike him, she went all the way; the only human component is a cloned memory. To my way of thinking that means she is entirely a machine. One that is unclean because it's mind is confused by fucked up fake human persona, therefore it is a dangerous machine.

This one is one of an elite custom series designed by a rich mad bastard to kill people and look sexy while doing it. Once I had got over being terrified to be near it and then, realising it isn't going to kill me, not yet at least, gotten over fancying the fuck out of it; we got down to some girl talk. As we spoke, I realised it is cleverer than I am by far. It got the information it wanted from me too easily. I am exhausted from stress peak and sleep deprivation; a human failing.

We discussed post-humanism. This thing is not a human. It is a machine. I shouldn't have let it in. I don't even know what I am doing here, I stupidly followed Cyrgan out of weakness. I don't know what Cyrgan wants from it either. Katha2 wants his help, and its willpower is strong; it has led us here on a shuttle flight to the Mars colony. Katha2 has great tastes; this flight class don't come cheap. It says Gemini Corporation is paying for everything. It says that it is running from Gemini corporation. It says a lot of things that don't add up. I can't tell if it is doing this on purpose to screw with me or if it is glitchy. I don't trust it. It makes me feel like I am in a trap. 

There are differences between Katha2 and Katha1. The first one enjoyed cruelly toying with its prey before killing it. This one explained that it has chosen a different persona response for its current purpose; it will get further by befriending us. Then it explained itself to be a psychotic personality and what that means. I can't tell if it is merely relaying information to me or if it is playing its cruel games in a way that I am not smart enough to understand, or if it really is trying to build some type of companionship between us. It feels like a trick. This thing is strategic, that's part of what psychopaths do, how they function; and the same with machines; calculating. Anything it says or does is working toward an ulterior motive. I become intensely aware of this and then I forget it, my attention ebbs and flows along with the methods it is using to talk with me, seemingly so natural. Although, intense even when it appears to be relaxed. It feels like we are outside of time; constantly motionless and infinite. And I am too tired, and I am too freaked out, to tell the difference any more. 

It's fucked up. Everything is fucked up. Because recently, that's exactly how I have been seeing the world too. How Katha describes the mind of a psychopath. The clarity that comes from emotional detachment. The empowerment that comes from letting go of morality based upon empathy and compassion. Replacing it with... nothing. The feeling of wrongness, a strange newness, that comes from going against strong intuition, against the instinct to survive and to do the right thing. The enhancement of the senses that such a perception enables. I hate it because it is so alluring, I have to admit to myself in a tiny, egotistical voice that I like it. And then I resent the ego that said that and I dump it, so that what is left is; I like it and now I am beyond the false-self. I like it and now I am the self. The self as psychopath, more comforting than directionless confusion. 

Katha1 had forced me to stare my own death in the face and use adrenaline rush to overcome the fear. Katha2 rescued me from ISP cops. In both situations I was incidental as it is Cyrgan who the Katha's are after, because the data he has access to. He's letting me run with him only because I reminded him what it was to be human, before he got chipped. I am feeling so far out of my league here that it is forcing me to face up to my own limitations. And... there are none. I was a little girl yesterday playing hard street games. Today, I told Katha that I don't love Cyrgan and plan to move on. I sort of meant it. I sort of want her to believe that because it takes away an emotional lever she might otherwise be tempted to screw us with. I really don't trust Katha, and I really don't trust all these machines that are making life so much more confusing and complicated and dangerous.

Katha2 says the two models are not specifically working together for the purpose of driving me crazy. I am stupid to think so. They were sent to kill Kitten but, their secret orders from Morgan, a personality encoded into Katha1, are to not kill Kitten. Only now as I think it through more clearly, I realise that it's directive contradicts itself. Conclusion; Katha lies. Not really a surprise.

It has given me so much to think about! 

Where I am originally from, there are three types of life form. Humans, Monsters and Aliens. Some of the monsters, the ones that the humans work with, they have human-like qualities, enough that we can deal with them; they help us fight the other monsters, the ones with no-human-like qualities. They also help us fight against the humans who are becoming more monstrous, the weird cultists and mutants worshipping strange things. Then also there are the aliens. These also have human-like qualities, enough that we can deal with them. *

On my home world, we do not have sentient machines. There is some cyborg technology but it is nothing like this, not so advanced as what I am encountering here. It is so strange; monsters and aliens I can cope with. Machines though, with artificial intelligence and uploaded copies of real human personalities; these are hard work. They frighten me. The machines have no human qualities. Instead they mimic humans, so that they appear to have human qualities. They are a trick. In many ways they are worse than the humans with monster limbs and monstrous minds.

The machines are cold, emotionless, compassionless. They are clinical, strategic. They have a superiority complex, believing themselves better than humans; the words they all use to explain it are trans-human, post-human. They believe they are what follows on next. They do not consider themselves a different thing from human; they consider themselves to be an upgrade. But they just don't get it. They don't get what it is to be human. They don't think the same or act the same. Only similar.

* The writer concedes to necessity of accrediting source paradigm: Orson Scott Card's beautiful Enders Game series (the books); the three 'types' of human, human-like and non-human-like.

A lot can happen between a small group of people locked up in close quarters together for a few timeless days. Velcro awoke after a 14 hour and 23 minute sleep (Katha's mind IS a calculator) to hear the others talking together about Morgan. Velcro observes that Katha has persuaded Cyrgan of her version of the situation. Velcro begins to explain how frightening it is being a worthless, uneducated, unchipped street rat in a world of industrial corporate technology. Katha hacks Cyrgans mind to demonstrate her powers, totally freaking Velcro out. 

Velcro throws a tantrum and has a breakdown, finally conceding that although she believes Katha is studying Cyrgan and herself so as to become a better manipulator before killing them both; that the android assassin's assurance that in this part of space, an unhackable true-flesh human with no cybernetic implants is a treasured rarity, because hacking them is a whole different game to doing it electronically. Therefore the hooker has worth and is a useful commodity.

Velcro retreats into the nihilistic void space of mind, accepting that it doesn't really matter what happens, as she has already decided that she hates all machines and is probably going to be dead very soon anyway because of them. 

Oculus Rift for InSilico


"Hi. I don't usually play Second Life, i just wanted to try the SL in the Rift. I'm using "CtrlAltStudio Viewer Alpha" for Oculus Rift support, there is a new option for that in the alpha. I have a pretty high end computer, but if you can run the game normally on 60 FPS you should be able to play in Oculus Rift mode smoothly. I hope that helped a little. If you go to the Oculus Rift subbreddit on reddit and search for Second Life you should be able to find more info. It works well for walking around but there is no HUD. The 3D is as good as most other games if not even better."

"On you tube, check out *second life nemo* and *second life city of lost angels* to get an idea of what you can build. Open Sim is expanding because it's so affordable now. Example 1 region in second life is 300 bucks. 20 regions in kitely is 35 bucks :)"


Killer Cyborg

Cyrgan persuaded me to put on a headset and go into cyberspace with him. He needed me to question an encrypted program he has found hidden inside Kitten's cyborg memory. He can't do the questioning himself, so he says, because he has to keep tight control over the program once we take it out of its box. Begrudgingly I agreed. Cyrgan asked me to get a photo of the program once it is opened, which I did. At first I appeared as myself, interrogating it and then Cyrgan made me appear as Kitten, lost and with forgotten memory, asking his help. He told us he had instructed Katha to let (Kitten) live, before he sussed that I wasn't actually her, when he tried to hack me.

Cyrgan recognised the photograph of the encrypted persona locked inside Kitten's subconciousness implant as James Morgan, a major player, the designer of all these androids, high up in the echelons of Gemini. He lives on Mars where Katha has come from. 

I jacked out because I found all this confusing and upsetting and difficult to deal with. Before I had time to de-stress, ISP cops were knocking the door. Cyrgan had given me his gun when he took Katha's weapons and it seemed natural, with the cops busting the door down and seeing all these remains of cyborg killing machines laying around all over the place, to start shooting first before they could retire us.

The ISP cops move too fast, they're cyber-augmented and my meat-nerve-reflexes can't compete. Before the cops could react, our front window went through and both of them were nailed by a sniper.

With a single leap Cyrgan wrestled me to the floor behind the sofa, while Katha number two came bouncing into the room through the window having finished off the ISP cops. I hit panic-fear response again just like last time I encountered Katha except for now, I had learned to see her as just a machine, nothing to be too scared of. For sure she can kill me before I can blink but she hadn't done that already, so while she and Cyrgan talked about how Katha required something from us, I figured we had a bigger bartering chip here than I would have guessed.

My adrenaline became clarity, that creepy, emotionless, mathematical strategic headspace that has recently developed through stress peak from the seed of my streetwalk mindset; detachment from body while punter does whatever. I told Katha in no uncertain terms where the ground lay now that she has killed two ISP cops and is asking us for help. Just simply to screw her I told her Cyrgan might already have deleted the file she needs, enjoying rubbing it in. This bitch bust my foot up last time we met and I was lucky to hop away from it.

Katha began as a cyborg but she went too far. Now 'it' is just a robot, emotionless killer with no redeeming features; totally out for itself, killing to achieve those ends. It deserves to feel hatred and fear, if this is the only near-human emotion left in it, then something better than nothing, than a machine mindlessly dealing death. No not mindless; Katha is cruel. Last time we met she enjoyed toying with her prey. So now the tables have turned; I wanted her to feel remorse, and suffering, and to kneel at my street-grime encrusted bare feet and lick them for a few short glory seconds before she punched my head in like she did last time. 

Only she didn't. Instead she eyed me shrewdly as she realised I am Cyrgans agent now, and she will have to go through me before any deals are done. Katha had a car downstairs and the two of them, Katha two and Cyrgan, lugged Kitten and Katha one, still offline, into it with their technologically expanded musclature, before any more ISP showed up. The cops are from Gemini Corp who own InSilico. Katha took us to the spaceport because using the beam for direct travel to Mars is too dangerous given who we are and what we are mucked up in. She needs to get back there with the persona encrypted into Kitten, so she has got a freighter on the week-haul at standby. Space travel the good old fashioned way. 

At the spaceport I delayed things. I was still in screw mode, grilling Katha for any sign of human response, and I was having reservations about the whole trip. A week alone with Cyrgan hacking these droids and he will be able to extract the info from them, no worries about that. But it would leave me locked in a box with Katha for conversation and that idea is something I am having trouble with.

Standing at this junction place, listening to the background sounds of rain and tannoy glitching incomprehensible and oscilating synthetic fem-tones, I took a deep breath and looked at my options.

These guys are cyborgs of varying degrees. Katha is pretty much all gone, pure machine now. Cyr still has some humanity in him, he still enjoys sex and he appears to care about me. We debate philosophy, he teaches me. While being the ultimate techno-head, implanted and chipped; he looks up to me as a symbol of humanity, in a world where that is an increasingly rare commodity. At least he helps me feel it is a commodity and not something to be ashamed of compared with the upgraded castes. What is the nature of Human? 

Survival response, gut instinct; to stay InSilico, set myself up legitimately as a dancer as I had planned thanks to Cyrgans encouragement to get me to stop hooking. Go directly to Gemini and sell out Cyrgan and Katha, to clear my own name, perhaps make some money in the process. Put in a good word for Cyrgan because he is the expert in hacking this particular systm and they would likely employ him rather than kill him. 

Suicide bid, follow the thoughts these guys are pushing onto me and go with their flow; continue getting chased by Gemini soldiers and cyborg assassins until they kill us. The data retrieval really has nothing to do with me. Technology creeps me out. Cyborgs creep me out. Don't want to end up like them. 

Romantic answer; go with Cyrgen. 

Head Heart and Guts. 

What would you do? 

I kissed Cyr for the last time and I told him he has a sleeping persona inside of him that he doesn't know about, who I slept with already. And I walked away. 

On the other side of the door I planned my next move; go tell Gemini everything. And then, it was a blur of emotion and tears. I was back in Cyr's arms. We were striding. The ship was in. We both said a lot of meaningless and forgotten gush and we kissed again. In retrospect, this is where I fucked up.


at the edge

“Aliveness is energy. It’s the juice, the vitality, and the passion that wakes up our cells every morning. It’s what makes us want to dance. It’s the energy that moves a relationship from the status quo to something grander and much more expansive, something that makes our hearts beat faster, our minds and our eyes open wider, than ever before. Everything is of interest to a person who is truly alive, whether it’s a challenge, a loving moment, a bucket of grief, or a glimpse of beauty.”
~Daphne Rose Kingma

Shaken up. 
Tonight was intense. 

It led to great OOC discussion about the dehumanization process of using increasingly advanced technology; of encountering the uncomfortable edge that forces us to deal with what we are; human nature; and polysexuality. 

Before that was some real meeting the animal head on with an adrenaline surge of fight-or-flight to overcome the inertia of rl. Roleplay can do all this to you. Not often, but when it is quality, it is what it is all about. 

A lot happened tonight, fast. I can't recall what we were talking about in the conapt, I was filling in job application forms for being a pole dancer at Reaktor. Cy's computer picked up an assassin interrogating the robot serving in the Blue Ant. She looked direct at us from our observation point in the apartment. These fucking robots betray us at least once for every time they make things easier, I'm going to start keeping tabs. The assassin is obviously after Kitten and so we ran, leaving Cy as a distraction he was rigging something up. 

We hid in the the shopping mall where we got Kitten some disguise, a very sexy cyber ninja suit that I couldn't take my hands off, she looks too cute in it. Then we met Cy at the diner like we'd arranged. There were bikes parked outside it, someone had already stole these before us and the wires were easy to connect. I'm no good with a bike and it steered like a brick. The assassin caught up with us. Swapped drivers and I wrapped my arms around Cys waist, closed my eyes and realised if this is the moment of our deaths, I am a lucky girl. I think I fell in love with Cy at that moment. I felt peace, the fear had pushed me over the edge. 

When I opened my eyes we had landed someplace. Cy had been shot in the leg by the assassin. If she'd wanted us dead she'd have hit the bike and we'd crashed boom. This cruelty, she is playing with us. A robot would be emotionless; this is something else, this is a cat toying with its prey. We hid Kitten in a locker in the side of the street and I dragged Cy to the hospital we stayed in a few nights ago. Aw man, I forgot to pick up my jacket. 

The assassin found us. She is like Cy, a cyberchip - but a massive upgrade, a massive upgrade on kitty too, she is both of them combined and then some. I gave her some backchat about being nothing more than a robot and since she had not already killed us immediately, she obviously wasn't going to; she needed to find Kitten and we are her link. Somehow the fear dissolved and I could see with clarity, a real clean perception like the dirt was gone, it was, machine clarity; fearless and pure focus. At that moment I was more concerned with getting the bullet out of Cy's leg before it melted. So the bitch threw me into the wall and bust my ankle. I truly thought she was going to kill us and for the second time tonight I accepted imminent death. 

Then she somehow took over Cy and was controlling him by remote, he called her his mistress. He changed in front of my eyes. It was really fucking sketchy. He was about to blow my knees out, while she asked me how much I needed them. She is almost totally robot and for some reason I asked her how much she missed her own real knees. This got me thinking, my focus on cyberwear. I decided at that moment that robots are bastards. It's going on the tab. 

Cy picked up a gun and instead of killing me he put a bullet in her head. She slumped and frazzled. I dragged him home while he carried her over his shoulders. We spoke about deleting her memory core like we had discussed a few days ago had happened to Kitty. then something truly fucked up happened; inside of Cyrgan is a back-up personality, it had activated after the bitch did something digital inside his mind when he took control of her. He couldn't remember who I was, who he was, where we were, anything. I got a bit creeped out and needed a strong dose of normality, and so I finally got a fuck out of Cyrgan, or at least his body, the body he and whoever else is inside of him has been wearing and walking around in. Ooh I enjoyed that. Shame he missed it because it was really sweet. 

The back-up personality asked me not to mention his existence to the other Cyrgan when he wakes up. I think I need to call them by different names to tell them apart. This is also infuriating because I can't see the point in names, they're another thing like technology, a fakeness that confuses us and gets us thinking we are living inside the labels and concepts instead of inside the really real world, which does not have labels, only instinct. 

Then I remembered we had left Kitten in a locker in the wall of some backstreet. Even with my ankle twisted or broke, I ran. We probably should have collected her on the way back but in the stress of the moment I had totally forgotten about her. I hope she's okay.

assassin elite Katha: emotionless robot from the neck down, emotionless dominatrix from the neck up. 

As I write this, it is 3am and my head is frying. The human body, the wetware, the meat; is fragile and needs sleep. I set a digital alarm to wake me up in a few hours and think about it ticking away endlessly until its batteries go.

OOC after rp session discussion: 

[2013/09/08 15:13] Cyrgan: hope it was not too scary today
[2013/09/08 15:13] Cyrgan: i mean with katha looking like your ex gf
[2013/09/08 15:13] Cyrgan: and Cyrgan being all Totall recall
[2013/09/08 15:15] velcro: it was freaky, i usually don't get pushed to my edge especially in rp but tonight was intense. I like this a lot
[2013/09/08 15:15] velcro: sorry about fucking it up with the bike :p
[2013/09/08 15:15] Cyrgan: thats what cyberpunk usually does. pushing to the edge
[2013/09/08 15:15] Cyrgan: hey.. no
[2013/09/08 15:16] Cyrgan: That was just a scene
[2013/09/08 15:16] Cyrgan: it was good when you realized that you should let him drive
[2013/09/08 15:16] velcro: ye but the edge goes beyond rp
[2013/09/08 15:16] Cyrgan: and switched in mid drive...
[2013/09/08 15:16] velcro: i should have realised that before but i was genuinely in flight mode by then
[2013/09/08 15:17] velcro: shame we couln't get kitten on the bike too
[2013/09/08 15:17] Cyrgan: well if at anytime you feel uncomfortable tell me or Katha
[2013/09/08 15:17] velcro: no its great, tbh that uncomfortable is what i am craving
[2013/09/08 15:17] Cyrgan: RP shall not hurt you
[2013/09/08 15:17] Cyrgan: okay
[2013/09/08 15:17] velcro: all the talk of people being emotionless robots,
[2013/09/08 15:18] velcro: this is waking me up in here
[2013/09/08 15:18] Cyrgan: Actually.. you are the most human, and it shows
[2013/09/08 15:18] Cyrgan: in rp
[2013/09/08 15:18] velcro: prostitutes are the most human humans, period.
[2013/09/08 15:18] Cyrgan: Thats what the CP is about. Technic is not always a good thing. Prices have to be paid
[2013/09/08 15:18] Cyrgan: technology
[2013/09/08 15:18] Cyrgan: not technic
[2013/09/08 15:19] Cyrgan: thats something different
[2013/09/08 15:19] Cyrgan: sorry
[2013/09/08 15:19] Cyrgan: actually
[2013/09/08 15:19] Cyrgan: Cyrgan creeps me out too, but i like to play hm that way
[2013/09/08 15:20] Cyrgan: Its almost fantasy
[2013/09/08 15:20] Cyrgan: he is gandalf and Katha the little red balrog
[2013/09/08 15:20] velcro: Cyrgan is an increasingly interesting character
[2013/09/08 15:20] velcro: sorry i ran out on him back there, i as thinking what would velcro do in that situation?
[2013/09/08 15:20] Cyrgan: its okay. i thought you thought
[2013/09/08 15:21] velcro: you and katha know each other already ?
[2013/09/08 15:21] velcro: she is really cool to have got involved in this scene
[2013/09/08 15:22] Cyrgan: yes.. i asked her to be the bad guy. She plays a completely dehumanized human. Thought.. as she is your antithesis, she would be a good bad guy
[2013/09/08 15:22] velcro: what we are exploring here is really interesting; humanity on the brink of...
[2013/09/08 15:22] velcro: she creeped me out, but also that she looks so, identical 
[2013/09/08 15:23] velcro: was odd
[2013/09/08 15:23] Cyrgan: That was probably just coincidence
[2013/09/08 15:23] velcro: do you believe in syncronicity?
[2013/09/08 15:23] Cyrgan: well.. actually i bleive that everything has to happen somewhere
[2013/09/08 15:24] Cyrgan: so i am not so surprised when surprising things happen
[2013/09/08 15:24] velcro: smiles thats the one
[2013/09/08 15:24] Cyrgan: hmm? the one?
[2013/09/08 15:24] velcro: we are made of infinity, and we are made of creativity, these two things mean that, everything is true and real somewhere
[2013/09/08 15:24] velcro: the one, i meant that "everything has to happen somewhere"
[2013/09/08 15:26] Cyrgan: hmm.. studied Phyics and computer science... its a philosophy i could share
[2013/09/08 15:26] Cyrgan: just the infinity... physics hates that
[2013/09/08 15:27] Cyrgan: But you are right about what we are exploring
[2013/09/08 15:27] Cyrgan: got that feeling from the first moment
[2013/09/08 15:27] velcro: even if we are within a tesseract, it is one where there are an odd number of particles, so that it can never perfectly match and harmonize as it could if there were an equal number. This makes it possible for everything to always be moving, permenantly, the process of change is the only steady constant
[2013/09/08 15:27] Cyrgan: the first evening we played (you and Kitty and me)
[2013/09/08 15:29] Cyrgan: hey.. nice analogon
[2013/09/08 15:29] velcro: pushing us through the edge to the weirdness. i am hoping kitty decides to be bisexual, she prefers girl
[2013/09/08 15:29] velcro: but perhaps I should not say this in words *blush*
[2013/09/08 15:31] Cyrgan: hey.. we are also on the brink of a sexual revolution, so why not. Sex in industrialised countries has started to become less regularized.
[2013/09/08 15:31] Cyrgan: poly, bi. whatever...
[2013/09/08 15:31] Cyrgan: i mean katha plays basically a sexy robot
[2013/09/08 15:32] Cyrgan: what kind sex is that?
[2013/09/08 15:32] velcro: there's edge and there's edge, i guess it depends how far people can cope with being pushed
[2013/09/08 15:33] Cyrgan: a process is a process and the human nature is to always attribute a start and an end and a position to it
[2013/09/08 15:34] velcro: does katha enjoy that role?
[2013/09/08 15:34] Cyrgan: She is a good rper as far as i know. She likes to act...
[2013/09/08 15:34] Cyrgan: dunno if she is a dominant
[2013/09/08 15:35] Cyrgan: because we never played sex rps
[2013/09/08 15:35] velcro: ye, she plays a dom, i hope i didnt offend her with what i was saying
[2013/09/08 15:35] Cyrgan: scenes
[2013/09/08 15:35] Cyrgan: ill ask
[2013/09/08 15:36] Cyrgan: i asked her to play the baddie, so probably she fell into the dom role because she thinks that a baddie would do..
[2013/09/08 15:36] velcro: ye, interesting point, how many sub baddies are there and what would they be like?
[2013/09/08 15:36] Cyrgan: passive aggressive
[2013/09/08 15:37] velcro: the classical scifi is the sex-slave robot going on a kill spree
[2013/09/08 15:37] velcro: murder is dom, surely?
[2013/09/08 15:37] velcro: p/a it is emo, do you know emo?
[2013/09/08 15:38] Cyrgan: actually.. i am not so much part of any subculture. i have always been kinda my own...
[2013/09/08 15:38] Cyrgan: i only know emo prejudices
[2013/09/08 15:38] velcro: rp and techno lol

Cyrgans Conapt

Cyrgan is amazing. He acquired the details of some dead guy who was found upside down in a public toilet and re-routed the bank code, so we are living rent free in what for me seems a quality conapt. 

Met one of the neighbours yesterday, a pregnant girl who is new to the gritty urban sort of street life our crew comprises. We can see our local patch of the city from here including the Blue Ant bar where we hang out. Cyr says "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" and I am wondering if he meant about us after moving me in with him. 

I tried making out with him while Kitten wasn't around. It was fun but he isn't used to female company, he was comparing how he was feeling about sex to his goddamn computer. I guess its the only experience of release that he knows. So we fooled about but it didn't much get anywhere. He says he is useless with women and yet he has me hanging on his every word. I am sitting on the couch doing my kegel exercises and all I can think about is being his girl. I can't deal with it.

Filling in these stupid forms for going legit so I can get a job in Reaktor as an erotic dancer. Cy seems pleased, he is encouraging me to give up hooking. Its weird. Making love with Kitten was passionate and amazing. With Cy it is, very difficult to explain. I have lost count the number of cocks I have had up me, and the fucked up things I have done for guys for money. I know sex inside out, identifying what a guy needs and giving it to him, playing with him, programming their personalities from their genitals by using my own or my mouth or my hands, its second nature. Give them a life rise if they deserve it or taking them out with a delayed fall if they're a cunt. People would be amazed, and scared, if they knew how deep the training goes and what can be done with stimulation. 

But with Cy, fuck I can't stop thinking about him. I feel like a schoolgirl. I feel amazing just being around him and my habitually acerbic personality dissolves, my mind goes to mush. I don't know how to tell Kitten. I'm in love with them both and its fucking me up a bit. So I drink more stimulant, I think this shit is import goods form the mars colony, and hide out in the safety of the apartment and take a shower. I think about being here. InSilico is exciting. It is safer than Mort. I'm going to be a dancer! My mother was a dancer, I was too young to remember really. She was from New Paris and did cabaret on the luxury cruisers before some random had a one night stand with her before she crash landed. 

Oh we went to a gig last night, Biotronica it was awesome! I fire-danced all night high on stim-pills, that might be why I am feeling this way about Cy actually, the ecstasy. It must have been some good shit because the come-down has been gentle as fuck. My voice today is high pitched and hoarse, a squeaky little whisper with a gravel edge. I like it. I think maybe I have found a cure for my alcoholism. 

conapt: condominium apartment, from Philip K Dick


my new fire poi

with Cyrgan (center) and Kitten (sofa


kitty love

I could tell by the way she lagged behind that she was into me. 
I knew because I was lagging behind as well.
Cy was running ahead, we were meant to be keeping up. 

The streets are a dangerous place when you're an unlisted prostitute, a deckrunner carrying an arsenal of stolen hi-ware, only existing copy, and a kinetically adapted ninja assassin on the run from more of the same. Although we didn't know that yet; as far as we knew she was just another lost young girl, one who had forgotten her identity and woken up in a backstreet. It's funny because I had woken up in a backstreet in the same zone that same morning. It's like we discussed; I'm here trying to forget the past, she's here trying to remember it and he's here downloading it to digital memory so that he can streamline his mind for the grid. 

She's beautiful. We met at a broken streetcar vending freetox, the same place I had met Cy the night before. I like Cy. He's a good guy and when I need some muscle, well lets say we'd been training each other for a promise once we sort our lives out some more. They tend to be nerds but for a datajack he's got it in all the right places. But she was wearing the same outfit that I had acquired from the market, posh clothes for my new life. It's significant; it shows how much we think alike, share the same aesthetic. After he fell asleep we stayed up late discussing how lonely our lives had been, and kissing. She can't remember her name so we call her Kitten, because she looks like one. Cy thinks her ears and tail are bodymod but where I'm from there are cat-people, alien immigrants from some snow-world. 

How she makes me feel, is I am melting from within. Life's hard but you bounce back or you end up as grime in the cracks. You become thick skinned and durable, shock absorbent. The type of rubber that groundcar tyres are made from; thats what I turned into. Kitten, she is heating me up from the core outward, softening me. Such tenderness I have no words for. I feel like I am flowing again. I want to look after her. Since the moment I saw her falling asleep propped up against the bar in the Blue Ant. I could feel it, how right it is to take her on. I never felt so strongly protective!

It's been a while since I had a girlfriend. Or a guy friend for that matter. A few clients now and then doesn't much count. The last ones; Angel, Sofi, Razhel... well they're either dead or disappeared, escaping out into the vastness of the thousand suns. I guess I'm on that list too now. 

So we need a place to stay, right now we are crashing in a medilab thanks to Cy breaking and entering. I have to get some trade, it will be quicker and safer than relying on Cy and his techknow or... Kitten's abilities and the consequences. Like I say; I'm pro-life. So, yeah we're a young crew, its fun, its really amazing running with friends after a long haul solo. 

Freetox: cheaply produced and freely distributed chemical biproducts of fuckwhocares industry that relax your muscles and get you smashed, pumped into the systems of those desperate enough to ingest them as a method of escapism and staving off boredom. This stuff is available for a reason, but you don't think about that if you're on it - you need it. 

slipping into velcro

It's a war world.
Mort, a fubar world of progress.  
A corporation run it, SLA industries.
It's only progress is toward its own inevitable annihilation.
I hate the place.

Its more interesting denizens are a mix of; aliens (reptile people and giant cat-people), pet monsters (military government cloned fighting machines), drug-soldiers (armoured humans on a cocktail of stims, some of who are psychotically psychic), and corporate spooks. 

It is like this because unimaginable nightmare creatures are crawling out of the sewers, scaling the fortress walls surrounding and supposedly protecting its mainstream population of consumer tv-zombies where mutant human stock hide in rotting cells to gratuitously watch live-streamed hyper-violence on tv as it comes closer to their acid-rain degraded, torn flypost patched street each day.

There are really only two choices of career for a girl like me; join the corps or spread your legs. I'm pro-life and the urge to get offworld was stronger than the urge to protect this deadbeat planet and the inertia of its doomed inhabitants. 

My flatmate Raz took the other choice and she's dead now, killed in action. That was my final straw but coincidentally selling her stuff was exactly enough for the one-way ticket to the stars. 

They call me velcro, some say its on account of my texture, some because my personality. I would say I am not nostalgic, as I find my feet more I'm turning my eye to the future. But I carry a momento, it symbolises a lot to me. Who I was, how it made me into who I am. My lucky scrap of rubber. It's a fetish. This one isn't glossy like the pvc you see in the market, it's worn and faded, used, battered, has scars, is cracked; experienced. I carry it everywhere. It's a little piece of home. When I find some chain I will wear it as a pendant, right now it stays in a safe place next to my skin. It's a comfort, a reminder, a self-identity when so much of my life including where I came from is lost. 

I ended up for now InSilico, a gutter-rat living from day to day; stealing and hooking to get by, gradually learning how to survive there. It's easier than Mort.
Not everything is so crappy.


no going back

For me, what I love most about rp, is ic interaction
with people. There's streetspeak and that makes it clique.
Sadly not at the same level as aco, possibly a good thing.
Some people have got it. Some are laser iris hot.
Some users bother and it makes the difference.
All the difference.

rp : roleplay/ing
ic : in-character
ooc : out-of-character
irl : in-real-life
girl : guess-in-real-life
gfy : go-fuck-yourself
url : web address
aco : A Clockwork Orange
ns : newspeak (1984)
nl : Naked Lunch

This is a place I return to, for me; so much of what I do is for other people, I deserve this space, its where I can fully let my hair down and be myself even if irl is so fuckedup that I have to pretend to be pretending someone else to do it.

I don't know where it all started because there has been so much of it and most of that got washed down the gutter where it crawled form wand where it belongs. I'm only a rung up myself despite striving continuously striving for constellations, the desperate surge of life-flow, nymphetamine for blood with a twist of dry whiskey to soften the edge; jumping a ledge and landing intact on your feet, what do you do next?

I took Angel in because she had no-place else to go and was running from the man and his dog pack; cops, the outfit, vampervs, the works. I was lucky to have a grotty conapt a the time, a useful hide-away despite its notoriety. A few weeks later she was gone, missing persons, I was the last one to see her and despite epic proportional attempts by everyone to find her, nobody has yet asked me about it.

Angel left some of her stuff and superstitious though it seems I blame a book she left behind, 'girlfriend in a coma', which I could never bring myself to read, to be a part of a voodoo hex. The other part I blame on the shitty lofi glitch electro I was writing on a boyfriends musicbox, for what happened to

Going into that mental-emotional space of creativity I had been seeing visions of people wired to machines, wondering if I could get a sample recorded from a hospital machine that goes ping to mix into the techno. I was happy with my trancedelia because it was creepy freaky, enough to play to someone; happened to be Sofi when she stayed over, trying to impress.

She told me her soul-name and I knew there was a reason for it. Soon after I wept as I called her down, white cold dead hands heavy as a .55 lead slug, shock contrast to the jovial lightness of her spirit. She came out of the coma and got offworld gods bless her beautiful butterfly soul, went to work
some paradise resort to make art and romance with the rich.
And I never did get that soundbyte.

So thats my story; consumer-disposable relationships, bisexuality, drugs, pimps, dark electro hardcore clubs, cops, meat-hangers, fifty shades of sex and spirituality, too much fucking gutter and pain, the endless dirty rain eating away us like it does the endless supply of chemical graffiti paint stain wearing our skin as much as the concrete.

I got off downers and came here on the cheapest one-way ticket I could find after whoring my way to a reputation as one of the best, thanks to femme training and desperation. A place to reinvent myself. And I still have the soundbox, so; this future has potential. No more looking back.


cyberpunk SL

meet my latest incarnation, citislick VELCRO
...dystopic digital domain where even the dirt is clean, where acumen is obtained by the hours shared, the grime rubs off but the user gains respect carried over to reality, sharp focussing patterns from blur between worlds. It makes real life better too, a form of bleach for the disillusionment swept away with focus precision only born of addiction. Long hours turn into a timeless zone-out...

Slave to coffee to keep me going through the impatient now-ness of the cyber, so much motion within its flux electric, a constant calling. My mind given over through coffee and cyber to a different configuration, post-reptilian, focused, feline.

"The anonymity of cities; alone and invisible in a crowd. 
We stand out by ourselves in unique vastness."  Dan Blake

I have been staying up late at Joys and "doing market research" into cutting edge cyberspace, which just so happens to be www.secondlife.com and it is immersive! I am learning some really amazing stuff there and the community are (mostly background irrelevant sims, with some who are) genuinely wonderful, caring, helpful people. Here are some screenshots of my sim velcro, named after my little black kitten, the one you all want; I guess this turns her into a tourist which is a damn shame since I felt so at home there; inexplicably it is where I am from, where I belong. In Wales we have a word, the Hiraedd ("hi-reth"), it means longing for home. (Not to be confused with the Fremen word Heireg.) I have had it all my life... until Hangar Liquide and Insilico.